Scrimmage with Anxiety

Unbeknownst to my family and friends, I am suffering with depression/ anxiety and panic attacks for about 2 years now.

Prior this year, Insomia, mood swings, shortness of breath, chest pain and poor diet are among the symptoms I am battling with. Despite of this, I keep all my sorrows with myself which actually affected me both emotionally and mentally.

I lost my confidence. I lost my appetite to socialize personally even in social media. The happy-to-be-with-girl became a silent-listener-observer lass. I tend to keep opinion with myself. Thousand of thoughts are running in my mind every now and then.

That is actually when this blog became active, “Words Within’ are the words and thoughts within my mind that keep haunting me up until now. I tend to redirect my attention so I can somehow escape my panic attacks. I travel too many places from time to time but still the negative thoughts still lingers within.

My anxiety makes me fear the crowd. I hate seeing tons of people walking  towards my direction/ opposite way as mine. It feels that all of them are after me. I hate seeing someone looking at me because it seems that they are planning something/ thinking bad against me.

Behind this smile is a girl with a confused mind. I have many plans for myself, too many visions, and too many dreams. Yet there are thoughts of preoccupation or act to draw a line to my carpals.

I tend to forget my anxiety lately however it gets worst. I have palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate. I tend to be become fearful for no reason. I am also having digestive problems like diarrhea and constipation, my mouth is dry. I am easily alarmed, frightened or surprised, I am also experiencing, shortness of breath or choking feelings, my muscles are tense, aching, or sore, numbness and/or tingling feeling in my extremities (i.e. hands, feet, etc.). Worst is that, I am having nightmares, hot and cold flashes and spotting for about 14 days. Thus, I got myself checked by a psychologist and found out that I am having Generalized anxiety. This is a state of continuous apprehension and anticipation of something horrible, characterized by excessive anxiety and unrealistic worry. I got a plenty of meds prescription but I am hesitant to take even one for I know that monsters are just in my head.

There is no nice way of saying this: for all those people like me who life must be like hell on earth and feel like unable to cope with specific situations that others don’t recognize as troublesome, and started to compulsively make problems at random. We may be developed all kinds of irrational fears and paranoia, and routinely feel as though we’re beyond repair.

Rest assured, while we are still alive there is always hope for us. Regardless of how gruesome and ominous it seems, we can manage our psychological condition so that we can eventually reclaim our life.

Maybe it will be a long journey until we feel normal again, but it will be worth all the effort we put into it.

XOXO

Jooown

 

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